Defining My Relationship With New York

Sometimes you come across a concept phrased a certain way and it just hits you in the chest with its truth and makes you understand a huge facet of your life more deeply. Trolling around Happy Opu the other day, I had an experience like this—when I read a description of New York as a place that has plenty of potential to hurt you—but also a place that “begs you and eggs you on to be exactly who you really are.”

Reading that sentence, I totally understood, in a way I hadn’t quite been able to before, exactly why I’m here—and why I need to be.

I’ve lived in a lot of different places. I grew up in a rural area in Vermont, and I love the country. I love hiking and camping and living in isolated spots in the woods where I can’t see anyone else’s house from mine. I love falling asleep to crickets chirping and swimming in ponds and rivers and going barefoot all summer. If I had kids, I would want to raise them in a place like Vermont. I might want to settle down there myself one day. But not yet.

Summer In the City--And You're Long Gone from This City

Whatever it is in New York at the moment, it is far from summer. But this line from Regina Spektor’s song “Summer in the City” totally captures my mood lately. I’ve lived in small towns and big cities alike—and sometimes, living in a big city is lonelier.

My boyfriend lives in Europe. And while I have a lot of great friends in New York, I also have a lot of close friends and family live at least several states away, at most an ocean away. Sometimes I’m too busy to think about it—too busy to think, period. But other times I feel the absence of people I love. I wish I could drop in on my parents for some wine and a home-cooked meal. I wish I could meet my sister for an all-afternoon-long lunch-turned-shopping spree. I wish I could drink margaritas with my best friends from college on the roof of a hotel, several times a month. I wish I could come home to my boyfriend.